Graduation Speech -- Graduation Speech, Commencement Address

As you inhale the aggregate odor of your senior class for the stretch forth time, Im sure there are many burning questions racing through your minds Will I find my place in the sphere? If youre lucky. Am I really going to graduate a virgin? Yeah, probably. Who is that incredibly handsome young man addressing us, and how long do we be possessed of the privilege of listening to him? Howdy, Andrew Gonzales here, and hopefully not long I realize that your robes are reservation you sweat, your thongs are making you uncomfortable, and my use of the words virgin and thongs is making your parents sweaty and uncomfortable. Im not up here to talk about sweaty undergarments, though. Im not even up here because of my charm and trusty looks. I have been granted this lovely opportunity to speak to compensate for the misery that went into the earning of the title valedictorian, and all the misery that will envelope the sojourn of my life as a result of it. Whenever I cant figure out how the pump works at the gas station, Ill hear, And you were valedictorian? If I try to pull on a door that says push, it will be, You were valedictorian? Get caught picking my nose on the jumbo-tron at a baseball game, and the jeers will assault me Hey, jackass, were you really valedictorian? The purpose of a graduation speech, as it has been laid out before me, is not to complain, though, but rather to pudding head the hell out of you. Thats why my speech will last about four hours and seventeen minutes, filled with uninspiring poetry readings, bland quotes, insignificant anecdotes and the traditional candied assortment of shameless clichs and platitudes. Of course, I do realize that my speech is a compulsory formality, and that, in all likelihood, nothing I say will ... ...s and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush yadda yadda yadda. But, most importantly, have a sense of caprice and cherish this gift of spasms and primitive noises as a part of human nature, before you age to the point where your heart will stop if you laugh. Laugh at lifes ironies and disappointments. Laugh at your society, your friends, and yourself. Laugh at Carrot Top even, not because he is funny, but because he thinks he is funny, which is so poor and absurd that it actually is funny. Im going to end with a fitting quote. Its not by Jefferson or Emerson as is customary in graduation speeches, but by the Harvard graduate, talk-show host, and comedian, Conan OBrien. If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think youre drunk. Thank you Northglenn High class of 2006. I hope to laugh at you all again in ten years.